


Blunt the Knives, Bend the Forks

by notevenstars_lastforever



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bag End, Bilbo can't catch a break, Blunt the Knives, Bofur is a little shit, Dancing, Drinking, Dwarves, F/M, Fili and Kili are up to no good as always, Half hobbit, Hobbit, Humor, Poor Bilbo, Reader is Half Dwalf, Sarcasm, Singing, The Shire, Unexpected Visitors, Wizard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25325347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notevenstars_lastforever/pseuds/notevenstars_lastforever
Summary: The reader is very good friends with Bilbo and is with him when Gandalf becomes the "disturber of the peace" and a very rowdy and very merry band of dwarves show up to the Hobbit's humble abode.But that's only just the beginning.
Relationships: Bofur (Tolkien)/Reader, Fíli (Tolkien)/Reader, Kíli (Tolkien)/Reader, Thorin's Company/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 56





	Blunt the Knives, Bend the Forks

"Excuse me, that is a doily, NOT a dishcloth!" Bilbo exclaimed, snatching it away from Nori who just simply shrugged and continued on his way. 

"But it's full of holes!" Bofur said, looking confused as he stared at Bilbo. 

"It's supposed to be like that, it's crochet." Bilbo said like it was basic common knowledge, folding it up. 

"Oh and what a wonderful game it is too, if you've got the balls for it." Bofur shot back with a teasing smile on his face as he took a swig of his ale. 

I chuckled as I watched and listened in on the conversation from where I was leaning against the wall, an amused look on my face. Bilbo strode over towards me, grumbling under his breath concerning his irritation towards having so many dwarves under his roof.

"Come on, they're not  _ that  _ bad." I said to him, watching as he turned his head slowly to me, looking like he could just about strangle me for saying that. 

"Easy for you to say!" 

"My dear Bilbo, what on Earth is the matter?" Gandalf asked, appearing behind him. 

Bilbo turned around, exasperated, looking from Gandalf to me and then back again. 

"What's the matter? I'm  _ surrounded _ by dwarves! What are they doing here?!" He hissed. 

"Oh, they're quite a merry gathering! Once you get used to them." 

Meanwhile, I watched as Nori appeared to be looking at a few things Bilbo had stacked up on one of the shelves of the book case, no doubt looking for something to steal, as I heard he was infamous for doing. He caught me looking and gave me a wink before Bofur grabbed his attention by tugging the rope he had slung over his shoulder and literally pulling him away from it when Nori spun around to grab the other end, thus preventing him from looking any further. 

Huh. So, some of them  _ were  _ actually polite and respectful to a certain extent. I'll have to make a note of that. 

"I don't want to get used to them!" Bilbo's voice yelled nearby my ear, drawing my attention back to my two friends who were having a heavy discussion. "Look at the state of my kitchen! There's mud trailed on the carpet, t-t-they've PILLAGED the pantry, and I'm not even going to tell you what they've done in the bathroom! They've all but destroyed the plumbing!" 

As he spoke, he began walking out of the kitchen, raging and complaining as Gandalf and I followed suit. 

"I don't understand what they're doing in my house!" 

"All in good time, Bilbo. All in good time." Gandalf answered. 

The hobbit sighed before turning to me. 

"Y/N, you're half dwarf, can't you do something about this?!" He demanded, looking almost livid as he looked at me with a crazed look in his eye. 

I snorted. "And what do you expect me to do about it? It's not like I can simply blow a whistle and have them follow each and every one of my orders! I really do think you're overreacting a bit, my friend." 

Bilbo scoffed, looking extremely exhausted from this whole situation and I would have almost felt bad for him if I didn't find it all amusing. 

"Overreacting?! Me? Why, I never!" Bilbo cried, looking at me like I was crazy. 

I stifled a laugh and shared a look with Gandalf, who didn't even bother trying to hide his chuckle as his chest rumbled deeply from it. Shaking my head, I turned back to Bilbo, my lips spreading into a smile as I attempted to calm him down. 

I knew he wasn't at all used to the antics and mannerisms of dwarves, so I understood his apprehension towards the group in that sense, but I still strongly believed that he was making a larger deal out of the situation than deemed necessary. Despite having spent a long time amongst hobbits, I was still very much accustomed to dwarves and their boisterous personalities, seeing as I had grown up around them. 

"Relax, Bilbo. They aren't doing any real damage." Gandalf spoke, giving the hobbit a small smile. 

"Did you not just hear me?!" Bilbo almost shrieked, eyes wide and face reddening. 

"Oh, we heard you loud and clear---"

"Excuse me," The smallest of the dwarves strode over to the three of us, coming to stand next to Bilbo as Gandalf and I stood across from them both, looking at him curiously. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?"

Bilbo glanced up at me with raised eyebrows as if he expected me to do something about it despite it being his home and not mine. I sighed, rolling my eyes at him before turning to Ori and smiling kindly. I opened my mouth to answer when all of a sudden, Fili stepped in out of nowhere. 

"Here you go, Ori. Give it to me." 

Taking the plate from the younger dwarf, Fili's eyes met mine as they sparkled mischievously and he smirked slightly, before he literally chucked the plate and sent it soaring between Gandalf and I. 

"Careful Gandalf! Incoming!" I warned. 

Gandalf and I were barely given any heads up and dodged the plate, the wizard letting out a sound of surprise. Eyes wide with slight shock, I watched as Kili appeared and caught the plate with deft hands. No sooner than he caught it, he threw it through the doorway like a frisbee, over to Bifur, who was busy stacking them up in the other room. 

"Excuuuuse meeeee! That's my mother's Westfarthing pottery! It's over a hundred years old!" Bilbo practically shrieked as Fili threw another plate to Kili, who passed it on over to Bifur again. 

I turned my head away to hide the grin on my face, unable to prevent the laughter spilling from my lips. I just couldn't help it, especially as I watched Fili skillfully bouncing the bowls and pots on his arms before shooting them over to Kili who did the same. 

It was then that I heard the sound of cutlery being pounded on the table and being knocked against each other, creating a rather complimenting tempo and rhythm that went along with the sound of flying and clattering dishes. Curiosity got the best of me as I proceeded to walk into the other room and took to leaning against the doorframe as I watched the dwarves sitting at the table, who were laughing amongst themselves and creating the rhythm I had heard with the use of kitchen utensils and the stomping of their booted feet. 

Bilbo appeared next to me, looking at the dwarves in horror, hands pulling his hair in frustration, whilst Ori looked on over his shoulder, trying to hide a grin. 

"Can you not do that! You'll blunt them!" The hobbit hollered. 

Bofur looked over towards us, a cheeky little smile on his face as he glanced from Bilbo and then over to me, a twinkle in those brown eyes of his. Never stopping with the rhythm of the cutlery in his hands, he grinned wider and winked at me, before turning to address the other dwarves. 

"Ooooooh! D'ya hear that, lads? He said we'll blunt the kniiiives!" He said playfully, laughter in his voice as the other dwarves laughed as well. 

"Blunt the knives, bend the forks!" Kili suddenly sang out from behind me. 

"Smash the bottles and burn the corks!" Fili continued, singing along with him. 

"Chip the glasses and crack the plaaaaates! That's what Bilbo Baggins HATES!" They all joined in, belting out the words. 

I let out a peal of laughter upon hearing the words to the song and got an even bigger kick out of the look on Bilbo's face as he listened as well. I held my stomach and placed my hand on the wall for support, almost doubling over in laughter, my ribs beginning to hurt. 

"Y/N! Cut that out right this instant! You're encouraging them!" Bilbo hissed, looking very cross with me indeed. 

"Oh come on, Bilbo! Lighten up a little, will yah?" I giggled, throwing an arm around his shoulders as I grinned. 

He responded by wiggling away from me with a distasteful look on his face, shaking his head and walking away, all the while muttering under his breath, "Unbelievable…" 

_ "Cut the cloth, tread the fat! Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!" _

I shrugged, my smile never once faltering as I continued watching the dwarves and happily accepting the mug of ale offered to me by a grinning Nori. He raised his own mug up to mine and we toasted, the sound of them knocking together ringing out. I drank down a large gulp of mine, glancing over as some of the others cheered, clanking their mugs with mine as well and returning to their singing. 

_ "Pour the milk on the pantry floooooorrr! SPLASH THE WINE ON EVERY DOOR!" _

As they sang, they continued to toss the plates and various china to each other, creating somewhat of an assembly line as they were cleaned and stacked neatly on the table. 

Just as I began to regain my composure, wiping away the tears of laughter and stood up straight, someone tugged me away from the wall. With a small yelp of surprise, I accidentally dropped my mug, which was caught swiftly by Gloin, who roared with laughter, a few of the others who noticed joining in too.

A giggle escaped my lips and I slowly looked up into the amused eyes of Fili as he wrapped an arm around my waist, prompting me to dance with him. I felt my cheeks get a little warm and I knew without a doubt that I was blushing, but nonetheless went along with it, stepping in time with him as we did a silly dance around the room. 

_ "Dump the crocks in boiling bowls, pound them up with a thumping pole!" _

Kili joined in on the dancing at some point as well, appearing behind me and twirling me around in a circle after Fili had playfully dipped me, leading me to think I was about to fall, only to be caught by his brother in the knick of time. They both laughed and took turns dancing with me for a while, all the while still bouncing plates and bowls off their arms every once in a while.

I also noticed that some of the dwarves were now playing various instruments as well, but as to where they had gotten them, I had absolutely no idea. Gandalf was now in the room too, laughing and smoking from that pipe of his, looking incredibly amused. He caught my eye, nodding my way as we shared a smile with one another. Plates and bowls were still being thrown and tossed about and I saw Bombur in the very midst of it all, grabbing the last bits of food on the plates and eating it, effectively using it as his oh-so-clever strategy for cleaning some of the plates. When he caught me staring, he gave me a playful grin, which sent me into a fit of laughter once again. 

_ "When you're finished if they are whoooole...send them down the hall to ROLL!" _

Suddenly, I was let go and was sent stumbling into someone else's arms. I glanced up and found myself looking at Bofur, who looked right back at me with a smirk. 

"Steady on there, lass." He whispered, that mischievous twinkle in his eyes ever so present as he began twirling me around with him after setting his instrument down on the table. 

He held me close, that mustache of his tickling my face every so often. I couldn't stop the light blush that blossomed on my cheeks as he grinned knowingly at me while we danced, chuckling at my slight bashfulness. 

"Aw, come now, love. There's no need to get all flustered, I'm simply enjoyin' the company of a beautiful young lady. We dwarrows don't get the luxury of that all too often, yah see." He teased, thoroughly savoring the sight of me getting all worked up. 

My lips twitched upwards into a smile and rolled my eyes at his teasing and blatant attempt of flattery.

God damn dwarves and their charming selves. 

"Hmmm, well I highly doubt you lot have come across a lady quite like me before." I said a playful look of challenge in my eyes and adding a wink into the mix for good measure as well. 

I also took my drink back from Gloin when we passed him again, gulping down a vast majority of it as Bofur watched me do so, looking both amused and impressed at the same time. 

"Ohoho! Little lady knows how ta drink!" Bofur exclaimed with a laugh. 

"Comes with the heritage, I suppose." I said back with a wink. 

_ "THAT'S WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES!" _

All the dwarves erupted into boisterous yells and laughter, clinking their mugs together, while Bofur and I came to a halt in our dancing. Dwalin handed him his mug as he looked down at me, still not releasing his grasp from around my waist, a fond look in his eyes. 

"You'll be a perfect addition to our little company. It'll be a nice change havin' a mighty fine lass such as yourself around." 

Some of the other dwarves gave a few hoots and hollers of agreement upon hearing Bofur's statement. 

"Bofur, for crying out loud, leave the lady be! Honestly, we have one woman around and all of a sudden you lads forget how to act!" Balin called out, coming to my rescue. 

I looked over at him gratefully, appreciating him looking out for me. My eyes flickered back up to Bofur's as he continued to smile at me, releasing his hold on me at last and stepping back. 

"Ya are coming with us, aren't ya lassie?" Nori asked me, suddenly appearing by my side and looking hopeful. 

I grinned, opening my mouth to respond but didn't get the chance to as two sharp knocks sounded from the front door. 

Everyone immediately fell silent, turning towards the front door. I glanced over at Gandalf who perked up, pulling his pipe away from his lips. 

"He's here." He said. 


End file.
